There is no way to start off in this post. Life is like a whirlwind you can’t control, sometimes good happens then there’s bad. By this instance, it’s bad. I never thought that I’d loose you at any point in time. Everything was crystal clear for this to happen all of a sudden, what did I say? I feel like this is partially my fault of the story. Did I say something, did I do something? I didn’t imagine I would have a feeling like this. I haven’t stopped crying, I’ve stopped eating and every day I wake up I find no point into doing so. I want you back, you made my days clear up. You were there even when I had a death in the family and stuck through with it. So what happened? Your telling me about your parents and something else you don’t want to mention, so whats that? I feel like if you don’t have feelings for me as you say and I’m here crying my eyes out for you. I have this mix emotion in my stomach, and the tears just come falling out of my eyes. I’ve never felt this way for a guy, and out of all people I didn’t expect to be talking to you, of coarse. Like there is no way to start off this post, there’s no way to end it or explain it. Because yet again, I’ve felt this way before and nothing will stop it until I have you back like I am supposed too.
right to be feeling this way? I have no enthusiasm toward my birthday. I got even more news, my father might probably not even dance with me in the party I’m having. Isn’t that great, who am I supposed to dance with now? I don’t even think he remembers my birthday. Everyone is asking me how excited I am for my birthday, zilch. I guess this is how it feels to be forgotten by someone you try so hard to make them feel happy about you. For them to be proud about you growing up and succeeding in life. I know if I told him how I felt about all he’s doing all he’ll do is scream at me even more, make me feel worse then what I’m already am. Just sometimes when you need that support from that person or you just expect for them to give you a reward your left standing there, in the middle of an empty road with your eyes open looking down at palms empty handed. My life took an unexpected turn when I least needed it, while me making the best out of it it turns out to be the worst. Which road does life want me to go through, why is it that the most innocent are the ones greatly payed with grief? I see myself in that dress and think why can’t she be here to see this? Mommy’s little girl growing up to be a stunning lady, and for everyone to think “Wow, she did a wonderful job”. But even if she’s not here, I’ll still lead on the succession and hope to lead my dreams and make her proud. No one else but her, because at the end we’ll meet again, and it will be forever. So this birthday will probably be a disappointing one and guess what, I’ll just have to suck it up and probably wait until one day he notices what he did wrong. That will be the day I’ll look at him in the eye and tell him every single pain I have in my heart, all the bullshit he made me go through to grow up and have a life of my own. My childhood dreams were never accomplished, the dreams of me being a dancer were broken, shattered like a glass. Now that dream is deferred to later times of my life where he can’t say anything but look at me accomplish it. It’s funny how just simply asking a question gets you so mad that I can’t even answer. When you answer me in the gruesome tones. Though, there’s one thing I hate most of all. The way you stitched your being into me, the answers and mistreatment I give to others, passed down from you. Do you actually think I enjoy treating my grandparents or anyone like that? No I don’t I hate it, despise it like waking up in the middle of the night. It’s something so disgusting and unappealing to anyone. I’ve been trying so hard to change but you have me numb, I don’t want to follow your footsteps I don’t want to be like you. You’re such a compulsive liar. By means that you told me your mother never let you be in boy scouts, yes she did. I saw it, I saw the burden of the proof. My footsteps want to lead a different way, a way that can be grateful in other peoples eyes. I would love to wake up with a smile from ear to ear. Sadly, that will probably never happen.
stashed away in a notebook, well sorta like that. I haven’t be on forever, but hey I’m back on. Just to say, my father once again I think has a girlfriend, what’s toward me? I’m just stashed away, like a notebook. My birthday is coming up..yeahh…no gifts. I’m not the materialistic type, but don’t I do hard enough to deserve just one thing? I wouldn’t even care if it’s just a pencil. Or even a pat on the back, I wouldn’t mind. I get the opposite, the screaming and the complete ignorance. I want to go to an adoption home already, maybe a good family can adopt me and it would be better. I wouldn’t want to be in this hell hole. On the good side…I’m getting my permit, I’m super excited I’ll be a few months away from a car and a license freedom is calling my name already!
America’s addiction.
everything is slowly coming to me. The loneliness still creeps inside me, and doesn’t get away. Now there’s this guy, he is just pure amazing substance, he’s something that makes me smile just from a glance. Michael..he’s great, goodlucking and charismatic. Boy, I don’t know what he does to make my insides warm up. Today was beautiful and just to be with him the whole day was great, and I enjoyed it. It might have bothered people the sense we were together but, I don’t care. I feel terrible for the fact that he got hurt with his x-girlfriend, and he doesn’t deserve that. I saw the pain in his eyes, and the way he talked to me showed me how much he cares about her. He deserves something better, not always older women are good, what about someone younger? I know I’m really young, but I really like him. What? We’re 2 years apart. He’s just great, and it makes me feel good when him and I are together just both of us together. Everytime I see the time pass I wish to have more time with him, just to be with him a little bit longer. What can I say? This guy is the greatest most sweetest guy ever, it even makes me cry just thinking he can’t be mine. His hugs are amazing and the was he puts his arms around me makes me feel good and happy inside. When we joke around and when he sings a song and looks at me I smile, because I bet he might not mean it but it’s just cute that he does it. I like the fact he actually talks to me about his relationships when he doesn’t do it to anyone else in the post I bet, am I really the only person he believes in to tell me his problems. I just want to know, if he is really here to be with me, will he come to me…soon?
Well I don’t know how to put it down into words. I feel sorta empty today, especially for what I’ve found out. Everything seems to be crashing down for everyone. I feel so bad for Brett, he got cheated on and he doesn’t deserve that, though he’s still fighting for that girl. Now, Glenn is playing with Leslie, boy and I like Glenn? Maybe I should start getting over him. I feel sorta alone, I haven’t talked to Miker this weekend only on Saturday and that’s it. I miss him, and I constantly look at my phone to see whether he’ll text me. And all of a sudden an 18 year old started hitting on me? What the hell is going on? I really want to get things straightened out, and sorta I’ve forgotten about Brett but he keeps coming back “single” and starts hitting on me. I want to tell him everything super badly, but I’m scared. I should also tell him that, have you ever been so scared to love someone? Or to be loving someone and not show them their other sides. I want to tell him what bothered me about the relationship we had and what we could have done to make it better. I also want to tell him how much I love him and nothing will ever amount to that. I also feel like if he’s not my first love, as me and Miker progress I start feeling more for him, but he has a girlfriend. He also doesn’t want to keep my hopes up and stuff, so then why talk to me, why flirt and come over my house? These are things that confuse me. I want to find someone steady and great, I would love to get back with Brett but no. I refuse to get back to such a terrible relationship. Like they say the second time is never the best, and sadly it’s been 3 times I’ve gave him chances. He promised me things he never committed too, why? I don’t know. But he shouldn’t have done it in the first place, that’s where I learned about promises. If only he could read my diary he would understand how much he hurt me, and how much I hoped for our relationship to be. Now it’s too late, it’s done and nothing will ever change it, even if I want it not to be it has to be…I want to get out of this whole. My heart only belongs to him and I only have eyes for him, I don’t understand it because it might seem stupid since we’ve never met in person, but I know what I mean. I’ve never had this feeling before, and I just don’t want this feeling if I can’t have this person next to me.
Gee, I don’t know where to start. I remember when we first met, total unknowns.
We would just talk lightly and smile toward eachother, yet everyday I would look at
your smirk and smile toward myself. Right when we first start dating, it was amazing
best days of my life. Though it all ended, why? Because you didn’t want to hurt me.
You are something so special, that I can’t even explain, you are like the bright sun
over us. Now that you are back, close as we can be, I feel us grow. Like two peas
in a pod, we smile, we love each other like no other. I’ve never had a friendship
so great than with you. Back when it was a smirk, now it’s a full length smile.
Along with that smile a hug, worth a million dollars. I wish you weren’t so sick, but I
know I am going to care for you, and I will be next to you, forever. I really don’t
understand how we got so close and how we like eachother so much, but that’s
just life. Let’s see, but you are amazing, and I can’t wait till this week <3
It starts off in your mouth,
slowly distracting your senses, your thoughts
marvelous colors appear as it destroys your brain cells.
Brain cells that could have been used for the good, pure substance
is placed in your mouth, a pathway to pleasure,
Let’s drift away with acid just lay back, relax…
But then it kicks in, reality…
Reality that shows you what you’ve done, and then you think.
As the pendulum swings, tick tick…
The ink dries on the paper, and you come back.
Those brain cells stored into your memory, take you back..
Toward history, silhouettes of figures awake, demons, angels.
The cries toward fate awake, and your future is gone.
Cries toward the skies , as you regret the past
like a howl to the moon, you were the king of kings
the pain eats you alive, now your laying in a body bag
zipped up to the top, your family crying as they carry you away.
Your addiction has destroyed you, and your children’s children.
The addiction travels, soaring through the air, into the nostrils
of human beings, raising through skies feeling max.
Death appears in your door, knocking…
End.
(Terrible Poem )x)
